Reflection on the Faith of a Child

I remember attending a viewing and funeral of an elderly person when I was young. I do not remember much about the funeral itself, but I still remember seeing this nice lady’s dead body, lying in front of me in a casket only a few feet away. I sat there sad for the woman that I cared about but also intrigued at not seeing a dead body before. I was a boy who read and understood much of the Bible. I knew the stories of the Bible better than most adults teaching Sunday school. I memorized all of the great stories, all of the kings of Israel, Judah and much, much more. I really did live what I believed. Now I was sitting before this dead woman, thinking of several passages about faith. I knew that if only I believed, had faith in God, and asked him to make my friend rise from the dead, it would happen. I looked around at everyone, then I bowed my head. I prayed to God to put life back into this woman and I truly believed it could happen. Sure, I had doubts, but looking back, my faith was more than a mustard seed, it was a huge walnut sized seed. I lifted my head, honestly expecting a miracle. I prepared myself for everyone in the room to be freaked out but for me it was an expectation. I looked for signs of life. I didn’t know if this new life given this woman was going to go through her like a wave, causing her to convulse and jump out of the coffin or if she would just gradually move a finger or two which would slowly move throughout her body. But… I did have faith. I believed. I had the faith of a child because I was a child.

Time passed and I continued to wait. Nothing happened. We sang, we prayed and people spoke about Ms. Goldie, but no signs of life. She was still dead.

As we drove home, I blamed myself. I felt guilty that I must have not had enough faith, and in some strange childish way, I was to blame for her continued death.

Later, I would learn to rationalize why she did not come to life, which would help to reduce the guilt I once held. For example, I would learn that everything we ask for must first be God’s will before he would grant a request. However, I thought it was always God’s will that all would not suffer and would live without pain and suffering. I also thought that everyone would praise God and some would believe in him if Goldie would come to life. I had a hard time thinking of the negatives of her coming to life. The only reason I rationalized, other than my lack of faith, that God didn’t answer my prayer was that she liked it in heaven and bringing her back to earth would not be her wish especially since she may have been in heaven with her husband who died years before.