My blog is a record of some of my thoughts. You do not need to agree with them. Please comment on them and give me an alternative perspective. I am willing to change. I seek the truth. I desire knowledge and wisdom to behave responsibly. I like debate and those willing to engage me intellectually.
One thing that I have struggled with in my current pursuit of truth is working through my own past. My experiences are interwoven with others of my family and friends. It is never my attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings through personal reflections of the past. However, I want to also be honest in my writing and not have personal and family secrets. I am blatantly honest. This means that I may express my feelings and interpret the past actions of my family and friends, which they may find offensive. Yet, I am torn between two extremes. I see the positives and negatives of my own behavior and I also see the same in family members. If I talk about a negative trait or belief of a family member, it does not mean that I do not see their positive traits or that I have lost my love for them. I dearly love my family but I also hope they respect my own views. I have been told that my views are wrong and that I'm sending my own children to hellfire; yet, I respect their opinions and understand their perspectives. I ask for the same respect. Please allow me to write about how, for instance, I may see my grandfather on my mother’s side as a child abuser and a tyrant, but I also can see another side of him. Yet, I believe it is important to evaluate this life and how my mother and I were influenced by the heritage he left. I want to be honest about him and others and I do not want to wait until people are dead before I can do my own assessment and share my own feelings with my family, students and others I feel may benefit from this information. I could only share the happy and uncomplicated times of my life, but this is dishonest with others and myself. I like to talk about these but I also want to explore times of personal struggles. If someone can help me in my quest for balance, please feel free to share.
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You ask for balance? Well, I guess my first thought is, "why should you be so lucky!" I sure don't have it! That's not to say that I don't wish you happiness and that you truly do find that balance but I sure would like to find it myself as well. I just want to survive at this point. I haven't looked at the time as I write this for I know it is extremely late and I must work tomorrow but I am simply pissed off! I guess to say that you will find balance would mean to me that perhaps you are special, because I sure don't see it in anyone else's family. Do you? I came home tonight after a quite lovely day visiting with fellow colleages to find out that my son is probably using Opiates again. So; another frustration, another heart break and another confrontation that makes me feel that everything I am is a lost for I sure can't find a balance in my life right now. So when you do find this balance and the pot of gold that goes along with it, will you please share it with those of us who would settle for just a small part of a moment of peace and the feeling of safety that my child, my adult child will live through another addictive crisis. This is not to take away from the pain that I felt in your words abour your own family and whether or not you have that right to talk about them in a public manner. That is a tough one. I guess I believe that you act in a certain way then that must mean that you have that right to be talked about or else you shouldn't do it. Unless of course we are talking about something that would truly damage a young person who has not yet got the individual strength to understand the idea of individual thought and the right to rip those thoughts apart to the world. You know what; I wish my son would read how he is ripping my heart out; how as a mother I feel I am cutting my life shorter each time I go through this. So perhaps a moment of selfishness for myself, to write words about my son would be fair, not only to myself but to him as well, for then perhaps he would understand that Hell is not just the firery (spelling?) pits of Hell somewhere down below but sometimes it's those moments in our lives that we just don't think we can live through and sometimes those moments turn into weeks, months and even years. So; I think you have that right Dr. Wesley; with respect to others to the degree in which they deserve, to write about the aches and pains of life but also the great moments as well. If it helps find some peace of mind, a moment of clarity or that balance that you speak of then so be it, go for it! Just remember that there are a lot of others who would love to ride that ride with you. As for me; I'm on that mountain ready to fall of the clift right now with very litle balance. Yes I know that sounds self indulgent but that's how I feel. I will have to work hard at getting up in the morning and finding a way to work through this, again! To love without judgement and expectation but to demand something better not only for myself but my family as well. Balance; now that is a tough thing to do! Good night!
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